God, teach me to face the discomfort of knowing myself.

-St. Christopher

Still Fighting It

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mRlgq59dsFQ

Currently Listening Rockin' the Suburbs By Ben Folds Still Fighting It see related

"But I don't believe in love so I can't be saved"

I need some saving from today. 

It's been bumpy for me lately.  I feel so drained.  This week has been full of dissapointments I don't want to relive so I wont list them.  Except this one; I can't move into the new house because they haven't cleaned it and I can't spend more than an hour there without wheezing. 

Yesterday

A friend's birthday was yesterday.  I found I have a hard time not being selfish yesterday.  It was a good test on me though.  I've gotten sort of use to be the center of attention.  So to consciously work toward making someone else the center of attention makes you aware of yourself.  And I was having an aweful day.  Not being able to eat without spilling, getting locked out of my house, getting drenched, kids at work preferring Heather over me, my pay check not amounting to as much as I hoped.  Then for the whole day to still continue smiling and reminding Heather excitedly that it was her birthday!  I was exhausted. 

But there were pluses to yesterday.  I wont amount it all to disaster.  So lets look at the goods shall we?  Yesterday was the last day of the childcare summer program so we took the kids to Adventureland.  So we get a small group of kids and take them on rides and get them food and play games.  I got some kids I didn't know very well and got to know them a lot better.  They were really great.  Will wanted me to sit next to him on the bus and after a childhood of school bus torture it was a very uplifting part of my day.  Then I conqured my fear of some rides by getting on them.  I had one kid who preffered to go with me on rides.  Which saved me because there were a few who were pretty adament about having Heather.  I think I won one kid over to my side by the end.  I got to observe the fearlessness of an 8 year old as he went on the Inverter and Sidewinder by himself and walked off the ride with a smile on his face.  And I was a kid who was afraid of everything so it was almost inspiring. 
At Heather's birthday dinner I was paying for her but the bill didn't end up as much as I expected.  Then we had some great ice cream.  And I got a Chuck Norris folder for 50 cents. 

Today

I woke up really sick.  I usually have one really bad day on my period.  I cramp and have back aches with head aches.  But this morning was particularly bad.  My midol and all other drugs were moved to the new house and I felt like I could barely walk around the room let alone hike on over to the house to gather my stuff.  So I called my mom and cried.  And she told me to get myself up and get over to the house or I wont feel better. 
So I did.  Slowly.  I put a braw on.  Considered just going barefoot but decided to put my shoes on.  Then headed on over the the house.  I gathered my stuff.  Then bumped into another girl moving in with her family.  And here I am in my pajama's didn't even brush my hair.  Oh well.  But I was feeling better all ready.  Moving helped a bit. 
I was suppose to go to the Iowa State Faire today.  which I was getting pretty pumped about.  Apparently it's on a list of things to do before you die.  And they make this huge cow out of butter every year.  But when I called Heather to ask where she was she said she didn't want to wake me so she went to the Faire without me.  I was pretty upset about it.  Selfishly thinking that I had planned two birthday get togethers on her behalf and she doesn't even bother to call to ask if I want to go to the Faire this morning. 
Anyway that was a phone call I made before walking to the house.  Then I called another friend who may come to visit this weekend for the Birthday get-together I am throwing for Heather on Sunday.  And her ex-boyfriend is someone I just can't seem to get along with and I thought that maybe now that he is an X I wont have to deal with him.  But apparently they are still friends and that kind of middleness makes me nervous.  My honor code involveing standing up for friends and not knowing all the dirt as they vent about each other.  So the conversation leads to how X-boyfriend says he wont come around the house when I am around.  And all of a sudden I am fired up and angry because I don't want him anywhere near my house especially when I'm not around.  And then I start thinking what is he saying about me that Kristine is just listening to and that's where my honor code and loyalty play in and I immediately don't want anything to do with either of them.  I don't want the drama.  Then I am annoyed with myself that I can't seem to not be effected by this guy.  Or people in general.  I just am constantly angry. 
So I walk back to Jensen now angry and dissapointed and not sure what to do with myself.  So I go on to superdickery.com hoping to laugh some bitterness out of me.  It works a bit but my real hero was very unexpected. 
It's funny how on a bad day a friendly voice can break through like an upbeat song and bring a little color to your cave.  My rescuer was the guy who answered the phone at Papa John's pizza place.  I'm alone and foodless so I ordered pizza.  (Grand View special, $6.99 for a medium one topping.  Which could last me the entire weekend.)  This guy picks up the phone all up beat.  And I'm suprised how well I can hide myself.  Like how unaware I am of how I make myself sounds so put together when I am talking on the phone.  I'm downright charming.  Anyway the guy was pretty friendly and I ordered this cheap chocolate pastery thing, because yeah I wanted some comfort food and some chocolate.  And he made a little comment about how people keep ordering it and he expects I will find it delightful and I answer I should because It's called the "Chocolate Pastry Delight"  At which he laughs at his word choice and tells me how much my order will be.
There is something about conversing with someone whos isn't at all invested in you that is refreshing and freeing.  Maybe this is why I always have this urge to pick up and move somewhere different. 
Anyway I felt much better after that.  And after a piece of that chocolate pastry, I might add. 

And now what am I doning?  Nothing really.  I might take a nap.  Or maybe draw.  Or read a bit.  I should write. 

Or I'll just write a little more on here. 
I have this one friend.  He just graduated which makes me nervous because he was a big part of my Fellowship on campus and I don't feel like I can talk to other people about God as comfortably as I can't with him.  But anyway.  He has made me some pretty good mixed CDs.  And all year I haven't found the time to sit and listen to them.  But the other day I found one and put it in my ITunes and have been listening to it all day today.  I really like it.  There is something really honest about this guys lyrics. 
There is this one song spoken to a younger person about growing up from the perspective of the parent.  It's about the fight of it.  How you start out and how what you see changes and how it hurts.  And then how even when you are older you are still fighting.  But there is a line where he says "You're so much like me . . . I'm sorry"  And it's heartbreaking. 

Currently Listening The Imposter By Kevin Max see related

"We don't like your politicing, get a new life, get a new love."

So I need to get loans to pay for classes.  Except Iowa took away the partnership loan(A really easy way to get your loans)  And all these private loans require a cosigner.  And my parents have bad credit.  So I'm pretty stuck.  And it's frustrating.  But it all finds a way to work itself out eventually. 

I am planning a birthday party for a friend.  It's a lot of work.  People aren't so eager to help.  And I don't want to pay for it all.  So how do you have people go in on a pizza when you aren't sure how many people show up? 
I painted her a picture for her birthday.  Of Bert and Ernie.  And I painted a picture of the Joker for another friend.  It was nice to just sit and get some stuff out. 

I finally got to see where I am living.  It's a nice house.  Wes said I get first pick of the room too.  So I'm pretty excited.  But I can't move until Thursday and I start working again on Thursday.  Then I will be taking Heather out for her Birthday Friday and setting up for the party on Sunday.  It will be busy.

I just checked out my schedule and all my classes are MWF.  It's nice cause you think, well then I have TTH all to myself to get work done.  But MWF are going to be some long days. 

This is my schedule:
MWF
9-9:50 Selected British Writers
10-10:50 Directing 1
Lunch
12-12:50 Global Literature
1-1:50 Design for Theatre
2-2:50 Environmental Science
3-5:30 Work
Dinner
Probably play rehearsal after that
TTH
Lunch
3-5:30 Work
Dinner
Probably play rehearsal

One of my classes were dropped because of low enrollment so I am going to try and add another.  Which will be difficult because I owe money and they wont let you register until you have paid them but I figure if I have already registered and it's just filling in for this one class they may give me a break.  And I would schedule that class on TTH. 

So I just uploaded pictures from my camera and somethings wrong with a few of them.  Like they are spliced and some wont show up at all.  Now this upsets me.  Because Heather was the last one to use my memory card to put pictures of her parents Anniversary on the computer.  But I can't just blame it on her because that would be an assumption.  So it means I will just have to deal with it until I go by another memory card.  UGH.  That's what I get for letting people touch my stuff. 

Speaking of buying stuff.  It's so nice having a job and money.  But some weird thing happens when you start getting money coming in, a lot of expenses start coming up.  Like buying books, and phone bills, and paying to get internet, and it will be the same week you run out of deodorant, shampoo and fish food.  Then I have to think about buying my Christmas ticket home earlier because flight prices are going up.  Then Heather's birthday.  Sigh.  I was so excited about saving up for some stuff and that looks like it will be a long way away.  I wrote up a nice little list that I'm going to put a little away for.  Like photoshop and to get stuff together for a stage makeup kit. 

I need to start writing again.  It's hard to focus.  And I always feel like I am not giving the idea the credit it deserves.  Like I am not yet good enough to write this like it should be written.  And I know that the only way you will get there is to start now.  But that doesn't get me going.  I am starting to set deadlines for myself though.  And I'm going to a critique group on Monday so that will get me going.  And I will be sending my stuff in early this school year for a KCACTF competition.  That's motivation I guess.  Then I have trouble picking an idea.  I have the one with the teeth theme, 28, the one based on a suit in a deck of cards, the one about the sidekick, the one about the person who can't be a superhero.  But I don't know where they are going when I start them.  And they just sort of dangle there. 

I think my fish have some Ick on them but the tablets I've put in the tank haven't done anything.  At first it was just the one fish but now it looks like the other fish might have it too.  I'll ask about it next time I get to petsmart.  Which doesn't seem very likely but I have a friend who goes pretty often for no real reason at all.  I need to get new filters too.  Put that on the list. 
Sorry I just typed everything that came into my head. 
I have my fish on a shelf in front of me.  Eye level.  It's nice.  I look up and can watch them.  I'm way more attached to my fish than I should be.  But half the time they are my only company.  And it's nice to have something to take care of.  I'm not sure if I have even introduced them to xanga!  Well lets fix that! 

This is Hrothbert of Bainbridge.  But we call him Bob.

And this is Morgan "Hitler" Freeman.  Originally he was named Morgan because he was a black goldfish when we bought him.  But then since he changed color we had to change his name.  So he became Morgan Freeman.  But then as the black was fading off him he got this little patch of black right above his mouth.  So that's where the name came from. 
But they answer to "Fishes" 

And this guy here doesn't get many kisses.  This is Puff the Magic Dragon.  He's pretty scary looking but pretty gentle.  Except with the sucker fish.  But that's only when the sucker fish latches on to him.  He doesn't like that. 

Ok that's enough for me.  I forgot how additive Xanga is. 

Vengeance or death! Hopefully vengeance.

I've decided to start posting again. 
Partly to keep track of myself.  And also so my sister can keep track of me

First off.  Xanga has changed a lot.  It's a little harder for me to navigate.  But I'm managing. 

Where to start . . .
Lets start with the summer

I went to California (and Vegas in this picture) Visited family

Jess and I in Vegas

I took a photography class.  This was my shadow assignment

This is my fish

This was an accidental picture durring a jumping assignment.

This was my window portrait picture.  I didn't use this one because the teacher didn't like some things about it but it was my favorite

This was my silhouette picture.  Some one was supose to model for me but never showed up.  So I had to model myself. 

This was my self portrait.  A lot of fun with photoshop

The 711 theatre project we had to write, direct, perform a 7-11 minute play in 7 days

This is my great group

I won best playwright and rising star.  It was nerve wracking.

My first paid gig.  Julius Caesar.  Out door Shakespeare

It was aweful.  Our director was bad and our moral was low but the cast was a great bunch of people.

All my characters died. 

I even get carried off stage in one bit!  It was very scary.




This is just some random summer stuff.  I got my hair dyed.  A friend used me as a model for his cosmotoligy class.

Then he cut off my hair. 

Haha.  Children of the corn!  Get it?!  Yeah we thought it was funny too.  The kids didn't get it.

Heather and I went swimming at a lake!

I've had my obsessions this summer.  Batman and Robin being one of them.
 
And Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis the other. 

That's all for now.  More later.